April 23rd: I Await the Devil's Coming by Mary Maclane

Washington Post Review

NPR: Five Lost and Found Classics

More Comments on Are You My Mother? this time from R.M.

I was very taken with reading your blog posting and B. B's blog posting.  Boy, am I sorry that I missed the meeting!!  I do agree with B B that when having a discussion of a book (any book) the best way to start is to voice the positive aspects of the book.  An exciting meeting, however, doesn't have to be all positive and some of the best meetings were those where the members disagreed (sometimes very strongly).  What bothers me most is that the group seems to have taken the message of the book itself and made it a personal rebuke against THEM rather than to see how the author was influenced by these analysts in HER story. We often veer off into personal stories and ideas, but then we always return to the book.    I am not knowledgeable about these analysts and their theories (here's where KK would have been a great help), but I don't think that they were what made the book less than a true pleasure for me. I actually did not LIKE the person who wrote the book (about herself), and so I was not fully engaged.  I think that it is important to find something likable or interesting about a character (in this case the author--since it is a memoir) in order to fully enjoy a book.

True R.  I think any person willing to reveal all of their flaws in the hopes of gaining peace and understanding is interesting and someone to admire. Thus my being moved by both books.

B. 

B.B.'s Post on Bechdel and Book Group Discussions...

I woke up the morning after Book Group with a bad “morning after” feeling and the thought that I owed the sponsor an apology.  Once upon a time--after a miffed sponsor walked out on us--our  group agreed to discuss books on their merits and save negative reactions to the end.  From time to time, we seem to have to learn all over again to approach discussion as respectfully as if the sponsor's grown child had written the book.

Last night I joined the others in a defensive crouch practically chanting: I HATE THIS BOOK.  Now that we are the mothers of adult children, we couldn’t bear reading a memoir that puts a mother not all that much older than ourselves in the wrong.  We busied ourselves defending our own mothers and ourselves as mothers rather than giving the book its due.  We criticized the book for its narrow focus.  We concluded that Bechdel is all wrapped up in herself.  Unfair.  This is a memoir about herself and her mother.  She did not need to talk about her—very successful—career or other aspects of her life.  That’s not what the memoir was about.

 

Actually, this book has a lot to offer.  It’s richly textured, going back and forth in time and incorporating dreams, literature and psychological theory.  It quotes extensively from Winnicott and from Alice Walker, author of The Gifted Child.  Virginia Woolf and Adrienne Rich have cameo roles.  Each chapter begins with a nightmare, signaled visually by black borders.  A lot, in fact, is signaled visually—jagged-edged bubbles for phone conversations, for instance.

My argument with Winnicott is that he would not have given me the encouragement and support I sought as a new mother.  Also, his relationships with his own mother and with his first wife were sadly flawed.  So, I'm glad I didn't encounter him in the 1970's, but that’s no reason to avoid him now.  And he makes very interesting points.  The false self versus the true self afflicts us all to some degree.  Otherwise, we’d go around like four-year-olds or senile folks with no sense of propriety.  When the false self becomes dominant in a child’s development, however, her true self may not be given the chance to properly develop.  If a mother—perhaps a mentally or physically sick one—uses the child to mother her and the child complies, then the child may never be able to see herself as a separate person.  That’s why juvenile delinquency may be a healthier response than nerdy compliance.  (Although the compliant child may make a dandy therapist! (See page 149.)

KK, you were sorely missed!.  Ditto you, RK, who said over the phone that you hadn't expected to like the book but did and thought it had universal appeal.

Are You My Mother? Book Discussion

I knew it was not a hit when I got...hit...literally with the book.  A slap on the wrist, but a physical hit anyway.  Tired and unprepared...this sponsor thought the meeting was the following week--should have read the blog!

It all started in September when I brought both of Bechdel's books to recommend.  50-50.  I went with this instead of the more positively reviewed Fun Home because I thought the theme of Motherhood would resonate more with our group.   As I scanned the book hours before the meeting--I was going to leisurely reread it over the weekend, I could remember how dense the psychological passages were.  And that is where the book was hit hardest by members.

The hypotheses that Winnicott came up with were male oriented analysis of motherhood.  One that this group from the 1960s and 70s railed against in their struggles to define their role as mothers and women. Couldn't defend him very well--because some of his ideas are bizarre and pedantic and obscure--but he got the transitional object thing down among others.[  I did say you could read this book differently...like the Magic School Bus Books(such a science teacher)--you don't have to read all of the dense text...you can focus on the dialogue and the art.]

That's not all!  Members disliked Bechdel and her coming of age angst that lasted til she was in her menopausal 40s and possibly beyond.  They hated that she  was  still struggling to connect with her mother  and regain the intimacy they shared when she was 3 months old.   They commiserated with the mother who just didn't want to face her husband's tragic life or become intimately involved with her daughter's adult life.  "It's none of my business."  A phrase that members' mothers used or implied.  After a certain age, it is time to separate from your children.

Please note that not all members disliked the book.  But only a handful did like it--25--33% of the entire group?--and even those with some reservations.  Those who liked it, appreciated the creativity of the format and speculated about the future bringing more books written in graphic style.

To those who thought I was upset about the strongly negative reviews, please be assured that I am not upset...book group is a risky business and not for the faint of heart.  I was tired, and annoyed with myself for not being better prepared; that I didn't bring more to the meeting.  What would I have done differently? Reread the book a week in advance.  Researched Winnicott (sp?). I was depending on K.K. to help with the psychology stuff.   Read reviews and brought that analysis to the meeting.  (One review likens Bechdel to Woody Allen--another reason to dislike her?)  Changed my recommendation to Fun Home.  Brought some of her comic strips...Here is a link:


Link to Dykes to Watch out For