B.B.'s Post on Bechdel and Book Group Discussions...

I woke up the morning after Book Group with a bad “morning after” feeling and the thought that I owed the sponsor an apology.  Once upon a time--after a miffed sponsor walked out on us--our  group agreed to discuss books on their merits and save negative reactions to the end.  From time to time, we seem to have to learn all over again to approach discussion as respectfully as if the sponsor's grown child had written the book.

Last night I joined the others in a defensive crouch practically chanting: I HATE THIS BOOK.  Now that we are the mothers of adult children, we couldn’t bear reading a memoir that puts a mother not all that much older than ourselves in the wrong.  We busied ourselves defending our own mothers and ourselves as mothers rather than giving the book its due.  We criticized the book for its narrow focus.  We concluded that Bechdel is all wrapped up in herself.  Unfair.  This is a memoir about herself and her mother.  She did not need to talk about her—very successful—career or other aspects of her life.  That’s not what the memoir was about.

 

Actually, this book has a lot to offer.  It’s richly textured, going back and forth in time and incorporating dreams, literature and psychological theory.  It quotes extensively from Winnicott and from Alice Walker, author of The Gifted Child.  Virginia Woolf and Adrienne Rich have cameo roles.  Each chapter begins with a nightmare, signaled visually by black borders.  A lot, in fact, is signaled visually—jagged-edged bubbles for phone conversations, for instance.

My argument with Winnicott is that he would not have given me the encouragement and support I sought as a new mother.  Also, his relationships with his own mother and with his first wife were sadly flawed.  So, I'm glad I didn't encounter him in the 1970's, but that’s no reason to avoid him now.  And he makes very interesting points.  The false self versus the true self afflicts us all to some degree.  Otherwise, we’d go around like four-year-olds or senile folks with no sense of propriety.  When the false self becomes dominant in a child’s development, however, her true self may not be given the chance to properly develop.  If a mother—perhaps a mentally or physically sick one—uses the child to mother her and the child complies, then the child may never be able to see herself as a separate person.  That’s why juvenile delinquency may be a healthier response than nerdy compliance.  (Although the compliant child may make a dandy therapist! (See page 149.)

KK, you were sorely missed!.  Ditto you, RK, who said over the phone that you hadn't expected to like the book but did and thought it had universal appeal.