April 23rd: I Await the Devil's Coming by Mary Maclane

Washington Post Review

NPR: Five Lost and Found Classics

More Comments on Are You My Mother? this time from R.M.

I was very taken with reading your blog posting and B. B's blog posting.  Boy, am I sorry that I missed the meeting!!  I do agree with B B that when having a discussion of a book (any book) the best way to start is to voice the positive aspects of the book.  An exciting meeting, however, doesn't have to be all positive and some of the best meetings were those where the members disagreed (sometimes very strongly).  What bothers me most is that the group seems to have taken the message of the book itself and made it a personal rebuke against THEM rather than to see how the author was influenced by these analysts in HER story. We often veer off into personal stories and ideas, but then we always return to the book.    I am not knowledgeable about these analysts and their theories (here's where KK would have been a great help), but I don't think that they were what made the book less than a true pleasure for me. I actually did not LIKE the person who wrote the book (about herself), and so I was not fully engaged.  I think that it is important to find something likable or interesting about a character (in this case the author--since it is a memoir) in order to fully enjoy a book.

True R.  I think any person willing to reveal all of their flaws in the hopes of gaining peace and understanding is interesting and someone to admire. Thus my being moved by both books.

B. 

B.B.'s Post on Bechdel and Book Group Discussions...

I woke up the morning after Book Group with a bad “morning after” feeling and the thought that I owed the sponsor an apology.  Once upon a time--after a miffed sponsor walked out on us--our  group agreed to discuss books on their merits and save negative reactions to the end.  From time to time, we seem to have to learn all over again to approach discussion as respectfully as if the sponsor's grown child had written the book.

Last night I joined the others in a defensive crouch practically chanting: I HATE THIS BOOK.  Now that we are the mothers of adult children, we couldn’t bear reading a memoir that puts a mother not all that much older than ourselves in the wrong.  We busied ourselves defending our own mothers and ourselves as mothers rather than giving the book its due.  We criticized the book for its narrow focus.  We concluded that Bechdel is all wrapped up in herself.  Unfair.  This is a memoir about herself and her mother.  She did not need to talk about her—very successful—career or other aspects of her life.  That’s not what the memoir was about.

 

Actually, this book has a lot to offer.  It’s richly textured, going back and forth in time and incorporating dreams, literature and psychological theory.  It quotes extensively from Winnicott and from Alice Walker, author of The Gifted Child.  Virginia Woolf and Adrienne Rich have cameo roles.  Each chapter begins with a nightmare, signaled visually by black borders.  A lot, in fact, is signaled visually—jagged-edged bubbles for phone conversations, for instance.

My argument with Winnicott is that he would not have given me the encouragement and support I sought as a new mother.  Also, his relationships with his own mother and with his first wife were sadly flawed.  So, I'm glad I didn't encounter him in the 1970's, but that’s no reason to avoid him now.  And he makes very interesting points.  The false self versus the true self afflicts us all to some degree.  Otherwise, we’d go around like four-year-olds or senile folks with no sense of propriety.  When the false self becomes dominant in a child’s development, however, her true self may not be given the chance to properly develop.  If a mother—perhaps a mentally or physically sick one—uses the child to mother her and the child complies, then the child may never be able to see herself as a separate person.  That’s why juvenile delinquency may be a healthier response than nerdy compliance.  (Although the compliant child may make a dandy therapist! (See page 149.)

KK, you were sorely missed!.  Ditto you, RK, who said over the phone that you hadn't expected to like the book but did and thought it had universal appeal.

Are You My Mother? Book Discussion

I knew it was not a hit when I got...hit...literally with the book.  A slap on the wrist, but a physical hit anyway.  Tired and unprepared...this sponsor thought the meeting was the following week--should have read the blog!

It all started in September when I brought both of Bechdel's books to recommend.  50-50.  I went with this instead of the more positively reviewed Fun Home because I thought the theme of Motherhood would resonate more with our group.   As I scanned the book hours before the meeting--I was going to leisurely reread it over the weekend, I could remember how dense the psychological passages were.  And that is where the book was hit hardest by members.

The hypotheses that Winnicott came up with were male oriented analysis of motherhood.  One that this group from the 1960s and 70s railed against in their struggles to define their role as mothers and women. Couldn't defend him very well--because some of his ideas are bizarre and pedantic and obscure--but he got the transitional object thing down among others.[  I did say you could read this book differently...like the Magic School Bus Books(such a science teacher)--you don't have to read all of the dense text...you can focus on the dialogue and the art.]

That's not all!  Members disliked Bechdel and her coming of age angst that lasted til she was in her menopausal 40s and possibly beyond.  They hated that she  was  still struggling to connect with her mother  and regain the intimacy they shared when she was 3 months old.   They commiserated with the mother who just didn't want to face her husband's tragic life or become intimately involved with her daughter's adult life.  "It's none of my business."  A phrase that members' mothers used or implied.  After a certain age, it is time to separate from your children.

Please note that not all members disliked the book.  But only a handful did like it--25--33% of the entire group?--and even those with some reservations.  Those who liked it, appreciated the creativity of the format and speculated about the future bringing more books written in graphic style.

To those who thought I was upset about the strongly negative reviews, please be assured that I am not upset...book group is a risky business and not for the faint of heart.  I was tired, and annoyed with myself for not being better prepared; that I didn't bring more to the meeting.  What would I have done differently? Reread the book a week in advance.  Researched Winnicott (sp?). I was depending on K.K. to help with the psychology stuff.   Read reviews and brought that analysis to the meeting.  (One review likens Bechdel to Woody Allen--another reason to dislike her?)  Changed my recommendation to Fun Home.  Brought some of her comic strips...Here is a link:


Link to Dykes to Watch out For

March Book is Now: Are You My Mother? A Comic Drama by Alison Bechdel

A memoir in graphic form...

Guardian Review

Oops, reviewer preferred Fun Home

.New York Times Review

A Sense of an Ending and B.B.'s Parish Book Group

After reading “A Sense of an Ending" with the Sixth Street Book Group, I recommended it to our parish group.  A day or two before we met, a fellow member asked why in the world I’d recommended that book.  So I had to think about why I think it has religious themes.  It occurred to me that one parallel is the story of the Pharisee and the tax collector.  The former goes into the Temple, marches up front and says, “Thank you, God, for not making me like other men—such as that tax collector.” The tax collector stays at the rear, beating his breast and saying, “Forgive me, Lord, for I am a sinner.”

Tony starts out like the Pharisee and ends up like the tax collector.  His life is neat and tidy, no mess.  He sees himself as a decent man.  In the course of the story he comes to realize that he has never loved anyone.  He threw Veronica over because he thought she and her family looked down on him.  When the American girl he hitchhiked with said “Easy come, easy go” it didn’t occur to him until much later that maybe this was a question rather than a comment. 

 When his unfaithful ex-wife suggested they might reunite, he thought the idea too “odd” to carry through on—besides, he’s become content living alone.  When Tony finally rereads the hateful letter he wrote to Adrian and Veronica he can no longer pretend that it was a mild rebuke and not a curse.  

All along, Veronica has been saying Tony “doesn’t get it.” When epiphany finally comes, he’s no longer complacent.  Instead, reprising a school chum’s assessment of history, there’s “unrest, great unrest.”  It’s not that Tony is completely responsible for what went wrong, but like a world war there’s a chain of causes and he comes to realize that he’s a link in the chain.  He’s not better than other men, after all, and as much in need of mercy as anyone else.

I Curse the River of Time: Discussion update 2/15/14 with comment from B.B.

The beauty of a book group filled with bright, insightful women is that discussion leads to deeper understanding and appreciation of a book--even one that you might not  like. Not that the majority didn't like the book; most did.  But what individuals say during a meeting can make a difference in how you relate to the book's characters and ultimately how you feel about the book. And I think this was true for I Curse The River of Time.

Another great feature of our book group is the sponsor's intro which often gives some clarity as to the author's demons, motivations, and themes.  J.B. honed in on this biographical fact--Petterson's mother read his first novel and said it was childish.  A week later she was dead along with his father, brother, and nephew in a ferry accident.  Could that harsh statement have haunted Petterson into writing this novel?  

  Petterson interview.

Members had lots to discuss about this novel about a 37 year old not quite adult, well childish, man--Arvid--and his dying mother, his dying marriage, and his dying dream for a communistic worker's paradise.  (Not as dark as it sounds--the November mood was lightened a bit with bitter sweet poignancy and even some comic situations--well comic to some.) The flow of talk didn't stop or veer off from figuring out just what this book meant to us.  

Still longing to be his mother's favorite son, Arvid, seems to overlook or minimize the evidence that he might be. There was quite a lot of evidence as one member pointed out and she triggered a whole list...He was the only son who was planned, who shared the love of reading with his mother,who as a child would rise early to share early mornings with her, who could come into her presence and she would know it was him without even looking.

I guess despite the fact that his mother loved him--it wasn't enough, because she didn't idolize him; she knew him too well.  She knew he wasn't the one who triggered the divorce; she knew he was naive enough to think staying in the working class would be a heroic act; she didn't think about him every day as she did about her son who died. (Why would she? asked a member...She knew he was alive and okay.)  

Arvid at 37 did not have the life he dreamed of having.  Yet some felt that he would be redeemed just because he could be so brutally honest about who he was.  And that his depths of despair will lead him into a more evolved, Arvid--the Arvid who is the narrator. 

Themes & Misc.  

The river of time--Because even though a mighty river like the Rio Grande could dry up and be crossed--(read the novel to if this  metaphor doesn't quite make sense)--we can't go back to undo, redo, relive, reconnect. We are  flowing  along with time in one direction only and missed opportunities  are missed forever. 

Families--especially Scandinavian ones in winter? can't talk about painful secrets, hidden shames, regrets, and or even, strong feelings of love.  They speak through actions--a shared Napoleon pastry, the sharing of a brandy.

Hemingway and Faulkner influence in writing style.

Others were mentioned, but alas, I regret almost to the point of cursing, that I did not take notes this time. So if you like, send them in comments.  I will post.

YEAH:  The other B (BB) reports...

We did talk briefly of the transcendence Arvid yearns for, seeks and at times attains.  He envies what he sees in a group of young Christians, but, because he doesn’t believe in God, he doesn’t join them.  He becomes intrigued with the teachings of Mao and quits college to immerse himself in the working class.  In one scene, he feels himself part of a we (the italics are the author's), only one humble man but a part of all humanity.  His mother called him an idiot and his wife a child, but perhaps it takes a simpleton or child to attain mystical heights.  And maybe that compensates for the loss of material success. 

And if we see Arvid as a stand-in for the author—as members of our group proposed—then perhaps there’s the suggestion that artistic success compensates for failure in other aspects of life.